Huumorit
Re: Huumorit
Who says men never remember anniversarys....
Wife wakes up in the middle of the night, and her husbands not in the bed...
She goes downstairs to see him sitting looking thoughtful, with a glass of wine and a cigarette..
"Whats wrong love?" she asks...
"Do you remember 20 yrs ago today, we were sitting outside your parents house in my old car?" he asks..
"Yes love" she replies...
"And do you remember your father sticking his double barrelled shotgun in through my window, and telling me, that unless I married you, he'd get me 20 yrs in prison?" he said...
"Yes love" she says with a tear in her eye, "is that what you're thinking about tonite?"
"Aye" he says....
A parrot swallows a viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, p**s him in the freezer to cool off.Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating." How come ur sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies " do u know how f**king hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken"
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned Home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and Said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor ... . . But it would not budge.'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder'
Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'
An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer.
The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.
Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting."
The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.
Stoner, Hayden and Rossi were called to Heaven to meet with GOD..
He said to them "what do you believe?"
Stoner says "I believe that i was given a gift and i must respect it and become a champion"
God say's "yes, you have done well my son, sit at my right hand...
God turned to Nicky and said "what do you believe my son.."
Hayden looks at God and says "hard work, respect and dedication are the key to sucess"
God looks at him and say's "you are wise, sit here by my left"
God looks at Valli and says "well my boy", "what do you believe?"
Rossi looks at the two feckin' idiots sitting beside God and says....
"Sorry my Lord but I believe that you are sitting in my seat"
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's running about an hour fast'.......' Can I buy you a drink? '
An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
Straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
Two bikers are pulled up at a stop sign. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting by.
He pulls the bike to the side of the road, gets off, stands by its side, takes off his helmet, and bows his head. The procession passes by the intersection and the biker p**s on his helmet, gets back on the bike, and starts it up.
The other biker comes over and says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first biker responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
-----------------------------------An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child."
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86- year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologises.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
----------------------------------------------A biker gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks, 'I've never had sex with a nun before. Wadda ya think?'
'No,' she replies, 'I'm married to God.'
She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the biker and says 'I can tell you how to have sex with her.'
'Yeah?' says the biker.
'Yeah', says the bus driver. 'She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday Night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.'
The biker thanks the bus driver for the tip and decides to give it a try. The following Tuesday night he arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested.
'I am God,' he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, 'I have ordained it. You must have sex with me.'
The nun agrees without question, and in a very quiet high-pitched voice begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. 'Ha-Ha,!' he cries, 'I am the biker from the bus!'
The nun then throws back her head covering and cries, 'Ha-Ha, I'm the bus driver!'
------------------------------------------------On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken
to
go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving
at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for
he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the
chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save
his
friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to
see
the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to
the
rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and
proud,
the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was
none
the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was
cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell
into
a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse
to
save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled
the
large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The
chicken
got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The
moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're
Hung
Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut the fuck up, you stupid, ugly fuckin bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running.."
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
arse."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycle at any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
When you're done riding your motorcycle you can just get off it.
You don't have to take your motorcycle to dinner to get a ride on it.
You can leave your motorcycle out in the garage and it won't complain about the cold.
You can ignore your motorcycle and it won't ask why.
Your motorcycle won't ask where you've been in your car.
Your motorcycle won't look at the grease on your collar and ask where you got it from.
Your motorcycle won't sniff suspiciously at the petrol fumes when you've been riding another motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't complain if they're insufficiently lubricated they just don't go quite as fast.
When you finish riding your motorcycle you feel like getting on again straight afterwards.
You can drop your motorcycle and pick it right up again. If the seat doesn't match your preferences you can get a custom one reasonable cheaply.
Having a really loud motorcycle can be good.
Having an oversized motorcycle can be good.
You can ride your motorcycle in public.
You can flirt with girls when you're with your motorcycle. Motorcycles don't mind you wearing your boots while riding. Motorcycles don't mind you leaving them with other strange motorcycles.
Motorcycles like riding in groups.
Motorcycles like racing. The one who gets there first IS the winner. It is always good when you’re with your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't need commitment, they just need petrol.
If your motorcycle dies, you can just get a new one.
If your motorcycle isn't working, you can always borrow your mate's.
When you fart on your Motorcycle, it doesn't care.
The stains a Motorcycle leaves behind always smell great.
A Motorcycle never leaves a wet spot you have to sleep on.
A Motorcycle always wants to go faster.
Motorcycles never have headaches.
Motorcycles are never too tired be ridden.
Motorcycles don't kick you outta bed when it's time to wake up. Motorcycles don't roll over and pass out after you've gone for a ride.
When your Motorcycle hiccups, you REALLY ARE concerned.
When you get sick of your Motorcycle, you can sell it.
Motorcycles are cheap to keep (unless you have a Ducati). Motorcycles always pump that adrenaline, even on a bad day. Motorcycles don't ask you to cook dinner.
Two can ride a motorcycle in public and people don't stare.
You don't have to prove to your motorcycle that you love your motorcycle.
Motorcycles always trust you - no matter what.
You don't mind if others love your motorcycle, too.
You don't mind if others want to ride your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't smell bad when they get dirty.
You don't have to pay child support to your ex-motorcycle. Motorcycles improve when you bore 'em and stroke'em.!
When you spend money on your motorcycle to improve its looks, it works.
Motorcycles only try to kill you while you're awake.
Are you a Harley rider?
Check for the following symptoms:
If your bike leans further on it’s sidestand than it does on the highway
If you are left in awe by the mechanical advantage of a doorknob
If the output decibel number of your exhaust exceeds your horsepower
output number
If you are unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light
If you don’t wave to sport bike riders cause you don’t want to drop your tools
If you confuse the word "character" with the more accurate term "engineering flaws
If you think running the 1/4 mile in mid 15’s is really, really fast
If you can relate to 4 or more of the above its official you ride a Harley.
Kõik tsikli ,auto ja kiivri maalingutest ja kleebistest...
http://www.lauks.com
http://www.airbrushartists.org/Gal2109_ ... allery.asp
http://www.lauks.com
http://www.airbrushartists.org/Gal2109_ ... allery.asp
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